My Own Executive Coach
Why Not Just Tell It Like It Is?
by Barbara Reinhold

DEAR COACH: I'm a fair and objective person, and I believe in saying what I think is going on, without having to worry about hurting people's feelings. I like to think we're all grown-ups and interested in the truth, but I'm finding out that's not true. I'm a knowledge management specialist in a consulting company, so gathering and organizing information is what I do best. Molly-coddling people is not something I care to do. Until recently, nobody cared that much, because people have tremendous respect for the amount of work I do and the quality of the analyses I provide the consultants. But now another group has acquired us, where the Managing Partner is a slightly touchy-feely type, and I've been told to start sugar-coating what I have to say in order to fit in. This is not something I know how to do. What suggestions do you have? Should I look for another job where the leadership agrees with my objective approach, or should I try to find some charm school to attend?
THANKS,
MARTY

DEAR MARTY: You're not alone in this dilemma. Many of my coaching clients come to me asking to work on their relationship-building skills, because they're taking heat from somebody about their excessive forthrightness. The interesting thing about information is that the best data and analyses in the world won't be much good unless the people who need them can take them in. And the determiner of how well things get taken in is very often the way the information-giver approaches the person who wants the information. A very important word in organizational life these days is "feedback" -- the process of responding honestly on someone's performance and/or effectiveness. As someone who manages data, you'll have lots of important feedback to give. But unless you find a way to make that information palatable to the listener or reader, you might as well not bother to give it, for it will be dismissed. The feedback you're getting now is that your information is excellent, but your mode of delivery is too clipped and hard-to-hear. You've forgotten to lubricate the social machinery.

As far as looking someplace else for another job, I'm not sure that in this global tear-down-the-walls economy you'll find any places where strong collaborative and teaming skills are not essential. So practice them here, and then move later once you've got a better handle on them. This is the moment to take advantage of the fact that your new management wants you to make some stylistic changes. Your old managers won't be doing you any favors, really, by allowing you to stay under-developed in this area. Have a talk with the people who gave you this feedback. Tell them you're grateful (practice saying the words until they don't stick in your throat) for the opportunity to get some training to develop the communication skills you need, and ask what resources they might be able to suggest. They will hopefully have a range of possibilities for you, everything from books to seminars to courses to a coach that they'll provide for you. The trick here is to get them to invest in your training, rather than just giving up on you. So, you'll need to write a delicate script, practice it with friends or family, and then be prepared to go into the meetings as if you were playing a part, to convince them that you're eager to learn this new skill. It will be a "fake it till you make it" scenario. They'll be watching you intensely for signs of anger, resistance, negativity of any sort, so that's why practice is essential. I really do believe they've done you a favor here, so nurse your wounded ego for awhile, and then get on with the program. Look at it from your own perspective. What if one of your consultants was working with faulty numbers and repeatedly coming up with inaccurate analyses? Wouldn't it drive you nuts that he couldn't seem to get it right? And so wouldn't you be obligated to show him the correct formula? It's the same thing here. You've been missing a vital piece of the information management "formula," the stage that involves getting information back to the people you support in ways that they can hear and take in. It's not measurable in the same way as numerical data, but it's every bit as important. While you get yourself pulled together (and don't make it more than a week), you might want to do a little reading. Here are two books that clients of mine have found helpful. One is "Working with Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman (Bantam, 1998), particularly chapters 7 ("Social Radar") and 8 ("The Arts of Influence"). Another is by James Waldroop and Timothy Butler, two psychologists who run the career development program at Harvard Business School. Their book, "Maximum Success: Changing the 12 Behavior Patterns That Keep You From Getting Ahead," is an excellent analysis of the career-killers they've seen in their many years of advising MBA's. Look at chapter 9, "Emotionally Tone Deaf" for some interesting ideas. The most important thing you do, however, will be to get your manager and the management-development folks in HR committed to helping you develop the skills you need. That will draw them in to being part of the solution, rather than a firing squad ready to muster you out. And if a coach is not available for you through your company, I'd advise looking for one on your own. Count your blessings, Marty, that somebody is finally willing to tell you the truth. It will make a huge difference in what you're able to accomplish in your career. Good luck

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